I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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