just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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