i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
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