my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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