Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
My bed smells like the plague
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
