Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Mom said you looked used
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
