Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
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