smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
they need to just BURY HIM!
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
