I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
