I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
