I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
