Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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