I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
