And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
