At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
