I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
