It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
