Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
