hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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