good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
