Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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