I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
