When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
my being single is dangerous.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
