Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
