She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
