overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize
