laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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