i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I would ride that face into the sunset
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
