As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize