Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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