I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
