do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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