there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
They took my balls.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
