she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
try to milk me bitch
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