My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
