My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
