I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
