we made out on top of his cat.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
