I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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