The maid of honor just puked.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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