I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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