today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
