I just saw a hot homeless man
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
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There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Sorry my hands just texted you
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
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ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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