forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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