I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Randomize
