My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
