hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
