I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
you told grandpa to call you daddy
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
