My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
