new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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