Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Randomize
