Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
