The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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