highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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