i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
