On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
i need some magic done to my vagina
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
