this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I want to fling myself into the sun
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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