he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
We got so high we made milksteak
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
