OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
