There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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