I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
