I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
