And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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